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| freedom beyond these bars |
There was something in me that told
me maybe I should apologize for my last post as it was one or two sentences.
The title was longer than the post (Lol). I decided against it because when I
tried to write more I just erased it. It is a perfect post and I’m at a point
right now where in every instance in my life I need to bleed my own true existence
and that means I need to do everything that is “me” immediately. I’m working on
being okay with who I am as a person
Before
moving to California and especially after living in Atlanta and New Orleans, I was
very sure that I knew who I was. I didn’t know what my purpose was but knowing
that I had a purpose to one day fulfill gave me confidence in who I was. When I
got here with all my confidence and charm, slowly but surely, the person I
thought I knew I was was slowly breaking down and disappearing. I left some things
back in the south and it wasn’t just a storage full of memories and furniture. I
left a world that I had known all my life, 20 something years was all I knew. I
left chunks of myself there as well. So much so that people don’t even recognize
my voice on the phone anymore. People I’ve talked to almost every day of my
life. My own brother, who I grow up with, told me when he saw me that I look
different, his actual statement was “Who are you, you don’t look like my
brother”. That’s because I’m different from who I used to be, and I’m glad.
Changing your life is not easy when there is no road map. (Speaking of change click here => Change: The Mad Scientist Effect Part 1 of 3 Mental Marauders)
When I
was in the South even though I accepted myself and accepted who I thought I was,
others were not very receptive of whom I was. A question from an inquiring candidate
(someone who was interested in me) really got me thinking about some things. The
question she asked me was “Why are you single?” I’m pretty honest and I wanted
to answer it honestly. She asked because she saw everything that I do and how I
present myself, being goal ordinated and basically awesome (Not by my own admittance)
she really wanted to know why no one has snatched me up yet. I gave her a satisficing
answer but that didn’t stop me from thinking more about the question and it
didn’t stop her from asking more questions. Another question asked was; “How long have you been single?” my response was
“Sheesh, It’s been a long time… (Pause for thinking)… like 6 years or something
like that”. Way too long. There have been some interesting prospects but none
were for me. The last person I was seriously interested in wanted me to wait
and wait and wait until they were ready for a relationship. I feel like I put a
lot in to whatever we were but at the end of the day I wasn’t getting enough
out of it, even from a friendship’s point of view. I’m picky with the people
around me, because I have to maintain a certain sanity in my life and sometimes
I need not to be emerged in someone else’s bull shit. The reality was she just
wasn’t that in to me and I’m cool with that. I’m a fan of keeping it real and
not wasting time, which means if you’re not feeling me, move on and make some
room in your life for the right person to fill that space instead of having
Shaun Lamar temporarily in that spot thinking its permanent. That is just a
thought. (I sound a little bitter huh, well maybe I am… lol) So the truth is I’m
tired of being single. I’m at the point where I don’t even know how I act in a
relationship because it’s been forever. I’m afraid that I may have become awkward.
I have literary given up in the pursuit of a significant other. It’s tiring and
the people I’ve been meeting just aren’t that great. There is no one even close
to being Ms. D for Dramatic. If I talk to you and you think that we are
something other than what we are this is in fact a wake up call. I’m a team of
one right now and to tell you the truth that is exactly how it is going to be
until someone shows me that they sincerely want to be a part of my world, maybe
the center of it. Meanwhile I’m just going to work on myself and the different
projects that I have lined up. People are always realizing, after being
involved with me, that they love someone else so I always have house warming’s,
weddings, and baby showers to go to. That’s just a little dark humor for you, even
though it’s basically true and sad. The reality is I still have some changing
to do before my life is ready to honestly support another person in it.
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