She Hate Me: American Bastards at the Party

I was born I Omaha Nebraska, I lived there for about 6 or 7 years until me and my twin sister were adopted and later moved to the heart of Dixie, the great state of Alabama. In Nebraska we were basically the black kids at school, this meaning it was a mostly white school. At that young age in the school I attended I didn’t know the difference between black and white. Yes, I can remember that I liked black girls but I guess I was just born with that in me (no complaints). When we moved to Alabama I was exposed to racism almost immediately. I’m sure it was part of the welcoming care package when a little white boy told me “Life is like a box of jelly beans no one likes the black ones”. Standing there with my mouth open I didn’t understand what was happening. I had a very proper accent because of the schooling I was exposed to in Nebraska; kids would ignorantly tease me by calling me “white boy”. This also confused me because up untill this point in my life I was the blackest person I knew. Boy did I get a huge shocking dose of reality of how my life would be for the next 15 some odd years living in Montgomery Alabama, whose seals states that they are the birth place of the civil rights movement but also states it is the cradle of the confederacy

Go figure that a cities objectives and conflicts are stated directly on its seal as if to say we are proud to be the birth place of the civil rights movement but we also were an important part of the reason for the civil rights movement. How does a city of predominantly black people support an intuition that divided a country over the right to hold another race of human beings as property? And we can argue all day (and some of you will and have) as to what reasons the confederacy really was about but when it comes down to it, it was about free labor (money). Some of the laws in America can be traced back to have a very racial history as far as it’s reasoning of even being thought about to be a law. This day and age is different though, Am I right? Racism is dead, right? I mean we have a black president, right? The days of being discriminated because of  the color of our skin is dead right? You don’t have to look very hard to find that not to be true. I don’t have much concern for other countries troubles today because I see my brothers and sisters struggling. My brothers and sisters are dying and getting kidnapped by the government for trying to make ends meet, for trying to just get the basic requirements of life met. Yeah it’s sad to hear about Africa and Haiti and Mexico and Egypt, and Libya, and other nations but I can’t begin to lift a helping hand for them when I see what is going on all around me.

The results of the elections surprised a lot of people, not just because Obama won, but because how Americans reacted when he won. People were exposing their little stupid racist heads with no fear. Not only showing disrespect for the president but for black people in general. I was not surprised because I grow up with racism is my face; I can spot a racist 20 miles away. I’m a very good judge of character, I see people as they really are. It scares people for me to know things about them that they barely know about themselves, it scares me too. I’ve (well we’ve) sat back and took a beating while racism has run rampant. People don’t care anymore they want you to know how angry they are, they want you to know how they want black people to be slaves again not even knowing that they themselves are slaves to a government that hates the people. And no I’m not talking about the Obama administration; I’m talking about the system as a whole. If you think racism is the problem your severely mistaken and blind to what is really going on in America. We are sleep and its time to wake the fuck up. Knowledge truly is power, it always has been. Get educated and I don’t mean the systems education which is geared to keep you blind by filling your heads with lies telling you that America is in these other countries to establish democracy and stabilize the people so they can have a better life by bombing and killing it’s people, and then when one of our people gets killed, we as Americans are all in an up roar over the country that killed an America who was promoting peace with a gun (Not to justify any of it). You don’t promote peace with violence. You can’t start a foundation of peace with war. How is that supposed to work? I’ll admit I got off subject a little bit, I apologize for my government if anyone has lost a friend or family member in the wars we continue to engage in and support. It’s time to wake up and see what is really going on in the world, in the country, in your own community, in yourself. Don’t you realize you are love itself? Don’t you realize that we together make this reality? The world is the collective reality of who we are as individual people. Turn off the chip in your brain; get rid of the plant that has grown because of the seed that was planted in us long ago by the things we learned in school and from our parents and was nurtured by our friends and the media and entertainment. I’m disappointed in what we have become, when did we become so weak hearted? I remember when I was little and I heard about the American dream I was excited thinking that it was something that I can obtain. But it was never for people like me, it was never for people I grow up with, black or white. It was for people like Mitt Romney and Donald Trump and they keep us distracted with stupid things like race and  gas prices and other things that don’t matter while the continue to tell us what we don’t deserve and continue taking money from the working class who is keep America running. I’m going to stop it right here, me and another writer friend of mine are seriously thinking of starting a new blog where well discuss politics and issues that affect us all as the people of the United States of America. If you would like to join and or help just email me and I’ll give you more details, it’s time to wake up

Shaun Lamar

DforDramatic@gamil.com

October 31, 2012 Exhibit C: The Absence of Fear

October is one of my favorite’s months, I mean; I know a bunch of people’s birthday, when I lived in Montgomery that’s when the Alabama  State Fair would come, Football Season, A bunch of festivals, Fall seasons, the leaves change, and of course Halloween. I love Halloween, maybe it’s because we get to dress up in costume. I would wear costumes year around and for every holiday if I could. It’s odd how much I love Halloween and I hate to be scared. I don’t enjoy scary movies or being frighten in general. I can hardly watch a scary movie at night let alone by myself. I’m not so much scared of Jason and Freddy, because in my mind they are just men and I’m not scared of man. It’s the evil things that scare me the most, you know like a haunted house that makes you kill everybody in your family because it was built on top of an Indian burial ground or how about a pet cemetery? All that unexplainable stuff scares me. When it comes to frightening things like that I’m terrified but insanely I wouldn’t be scared of someone putting a gun in my face, you know real danger.

With Halloween being a bit of a celebration of fear, what are some of your fears? I have a couple, yeah I don’t like scary movies but that’s not my fear. I’m not afraid of scary movies I just don’t enjoy them as much as the next. I guess when it comes to fear here are some of mine; I have a fear of heights, I’m not sure exactly where that comes from but I know it to be a reality. I love to be in high places just not so close to the widow. When I went through basic training that when I ultimately realized that I was terrified of heights. I still want to fly a plane one day and maybe even jump out of one but I’ll have to crawl before I walk. For a long time I thought I may have a fear of commitment and to be honest I’m not totally true if that is not a fact as of yet. I haven’t been in a relationship in years and for about the last couple of years my cell phone and rent has roughly been based on a month to month plan. I don’t like to feel trapped, so maybe I do have a fear of commitment in some sense of it; it could explain a bunch of aspects of my life. I imagine somewhere inside of me I’m afraid to be loved, and/or left alone. Gosh it’s all coming out now, right? Maybe a fear of success or a fear of moving in a positive direction, all of these could possibility be my reality. I don’t spend countless nights thinking about all of these fears but I don’t tend to analyze things and my life is definitely something that is the main focus of my thoughts. I know my talents and what I can do with them, the hardest part for me is getting things started. Once it’s started things tend to move very fast though. I’m very efficient in getting the job done. Not to toot my own horn but I do great work. Almost everything I do is great or at a minimum, to the best of ability.

In 2008 I went to live with my brother in Warren Robins, Georgia for about 6 months. During that time I got really close with my nephew, he was about 2 years old, he is so smart I admired him so much. One of the qualities that I admired the most was his lack of fear. I remember watching him run out of the house and into the street (we lived in a dead end circle but still) all I was thinking was “Dude that’s the street, you can’t run into the street like that”. He would do a bunch of things like that and I would be freaking out for his safely but he would be giving me this look like “What? It’s just the street”. Gosh I loved that little boy, ahhh how I miss him soo. When I moved away from Georgia and back to Alabama I just hoped that no one would scare the fear in him like it had been done to me. I remember being fearless. Before the world became a dangerous place. I think knowledge doesn’t have to have fear involved in it. I would get in trouble at school and then I would get a whoppen at home. The idea was to instill a sense of fear in me and make me do the right thing for fear of getting another whoopen. It didn’t make me a good child or any less curious (most of the time I would get in trouble for being curious) it made me become sneaky, and not trust my parents, when  I was getting disciplined I didn’t really understand why I was being punished. I got to a point where I didn’t care about getting a whoopen any more, I would get spanked and go and do the exact same thing knowing that I was going to get beat. I don’t think I was a bad kid, I don’t even think I was very different from anybody else I just being me and being a kid trying to find out about the world. If I had the choice I think I would of done better if someone would simply just explain to me why I wasn’t supposed to do certain things instead of saying your too young or just because I said so. At the end of the day I was and am a human being. Kids are human beings. Because of fear we are discouraged from being who we need to be, all the potential you have when you don’t fear anything. Fear is crippling, it stops us in our tracks, it breeds lying and stealing, it breeds greed and violence, fear breeds more fear. I couldn’t of been scared to move from Montgomery to Atlanta and then to New Orleans. Yeah in my mind I was scared of not know what was going to happen or even how it was going to happen  but something in me was telling me do it. I trust myself and my life has not shown me anything different from the statement that everything will be just fine. So I was let’s just stop being so fearful to live life and reaching that next point in our life. Let’s not be fearful to chase our dreams and achieve them. We’ve lived fearful for most our lives, let’s see how life feels on the other side.

October 13 2012: The Three Families

What does a person who has been disconnected from his family in every aspect of his life have to say to anybody about family values? Let me break down my life a little bit for you. I was born with in 1985, from there we have neglect and abuse to the point where a 2 year old is found with a broken leg. Needless to say after an investigation, my twin sister and I were taken into protective services. If my memory serves me correctly we had 3 foster families. While with one foster family we were subject to some of the harshest treatments of children I have ever heard. We got taken away from that family after someone notice bruises on me from being beaten every 5 minutes to a timer. I am not exaggerating even in the slightest. Not to mention what my sister with through. At this time she was the only constant thing in my life. I felt I had to be strong for her and that continued as this story does. 1990 we were finally adopted, upon adoption you would expect and think that it was all good but now enters mental abuse. Not until we got to be teenagers did it really start, the paranoia that we as a family (Not just my twin and me) had to endure is ridiculous. To have to cater to an adult’s emotional needy ass is outrageous as a child. What is going on with my body?  How am I going to pass my class? What are we going to do this weekend? I wonder if she likes me. Oh and damn is my dad looking through the classroom window? I truly know what it means to be stalked, to have your phone bugged, to have people ask you is that your dad over there behind that tree? I wish this was a joke but it’s all true. The only way we were considered a family was that we all had a common goal of not being a target to my father’s distrust and we were very trust worthy people.  Nobody had anybody’s back in our family. People at school didn't know I had an older brother that went to the same school. People would always be surprised to find out. I guess my loyalty comes from me being with my sister so much even when I didn’t think she would ever take the fall for me. I've gotten plenty of beating for my sister but that’s my twin, my heart. Upon completion of high school I was blamed for all of my sister’s behavior even though I wasn't getting in trouble yet. I was told that the only reason I got adopted was because my sister had a twin and they didn’t want to split us up. I was told this several several times despite awesomeness oozing out of my pours. It didn’t stop when I moved out to go to college with no help from anybody. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know how to cook, wash dishes or clothes. These are facts that people know about me. I’m marvelous at cooking now; I’ve come a long way from the fire of 04” (maybe I’ll tell you about it one day). Dishes and clothes… meh… I’ve figured some middle ground in achieving medium cleanliness. Whites just aren’t that white these days. Anywho I got a chance to speak to my real parents and the lies that came out of their mouths were incredible. I don’t mind you lying (really do mind) when I ask you something, but don’t invite me to your lies. If I don’t ask you about something than don’t tell me especially if it’s the elephant in the room. Let it go, I don’t want to know about whatever happen 20 some odd years ago. I’m okay I’ve made it through that fire, trying not to get burnt but the fire in front of me. Needless to say my dreams have been stepped on over and over by my family members I don’t really want to go into details at this time but just trust that I have had a horrible example of the type of family I will have one day. One filled with love and support for who you are as a person. I will be my children’s and my wife’s biggest supporter. I will invest in my family because I know that it matters. The time you spend with your family matters. Every second matters. I never wanted to work a job so much that I neglect my family. I’d take family over money any day. Life is not about hording the most money. Life is about feeling love and expressing love, tending to wounds with companions and understanding. Not being judgmental and promoting individualism. I want my kids to know that it is okay to be who they are. As long as I’m around I’ll protect my family like a man is supposed to, I’ll tell my wife and kids I love them as many times as I think of it. My kids will be raised with hugs and kisses and if they want to be a painter they can be a painter, if they want to be the first person on Mars, we’re going to figure out how to make it happen. I don’t understand how people lose sight of what is important. You can’t replace that feeling you get when someone looks into your eyes and tell you they love you or even without them saying anything, just that look and you know what it is. We have a big responsibility to promote a new way of living that brings us back to the family. You can’t depend on money it comes and it goes. I’m not knocking people with money but if you’re not about that family, if you don’t have anybody to share it with than what’s the point? Really what is the point? That’s what I wanted to say about family, I know what it is and what it means

With all that being said about family and all the experiences I went through with them I have to give a huge huge huge thank you to my friends who have supported me in whatever craziness I’ve been involved in. I honestly could not have made it very far if I didn’t have the support of people who looked inside me and saw that my every intention was an attempt to be good. I thank them for see my light and wanting it to shine. I love them and they are my true family. I don’t know if my family reads this blog but I know my friends do and truly love ya’ll to death <3

Oh Yeah one of my friends birthday is today... Happy Birthday Kartis :)

October 1, 2012 Exhibit B: Intuitively Dedicated

What does it mean to be dedicated? To commit to a person or an idea, what does that mean? some people are so committed to their belief system that they will strap on a bomb and blow you up so that they can achieve whatever it is they achieve in that religion. How much do you believe? What are you willing to do? In my life I’ve been dedicated to ideas, people, projects, love, the future, a bunch of things. To be dedicated to something or someone, I think, takes a lot of passion and faith. Most of the time we are dedicated blindly without knowing what the real outcome will be.  I believe in myself. One of the only things that I can be certain of is that I am real or at least that I exist in some form or fashion. My thoughts are real to me. My feelings are real to me. I’m not sure if they are 100% to be trusted but since I’ve at least acknowledged them and embraced them, I think I’ve been better off. I’ve been criticized greatly about the decision I’ve made. Some people I’m close to think I make dumb decisions. They can agree that I’m smart and they can agree that I will do great things on day, but I think that is as far their faith goes in my ability to make a positive decision in the direction of a successful life.  Part of being dedicated is to have an idea of results in the actions your taking. I’ve heard a time or two that “making it is never what you expected”. But that’s what I really want to know, are you dedicated enough to accept the results no matter if they are what you expected or not? The thing about following your heart or your intuition is that things sometimes look ugly, sometimes things get really bad. But how dedicated are you? Or how much do you believe in whatever it is to stick with it, to fight through the end? Because I have been scrutinized for every move I’ve ever made and to tell you the truth for me it looks bad, not horrible just bad. But I feel like I’m just being shown something. There’s a bridge being built in my life to get the next level, whatever it may be I’m dedicated to seeing this thing out. I’m learning patients, I’m learning self-respect, I’m forming new goals, and old limitations are disappearing. I’m not going to act like every day is easy. Because following what you believe in is sometimes scary. It’s following the road less traveled. It’s not how I was raised but it’s something that I believe is the best thing and I’m going follow this thing out and see where it gets me.

The thing about stating all of this is that people will read this, and I’m talking more about the people who know me, and say I’m dumb for blindly doing what I believe in and I should just do this and do that and then they look at their life and wish and pray for something to be different. I think you’re in a sad state if you dream and don’t have a will to follow it. Or you’re too scared to put yourself out there. The worst thing that can happen is that you will fail and find out that’s not a way to do it or prove everybody right. But what if you succeed? What if you get everything you dream of? It’s the difference in settling for something you know you hate (or eventually will hate) to taking a chance to better your situation. You may not know where you’re walking to but you know what you’re walking away from. You should never discourage anyone who is willing to change their life by taking a leap of faith or taking a great chance. Don’t you know that is how every great story is made? When we were kids we had this vision of life. We had dreams and at the time they were realistic to us. I mean I was probably never going to marry Halle Berry but you get what I’m saying. Down the line between people telling us we couldn’t do it and having to do whatever we had to do, we lost sight of those dreams and didn’t believe they were possible. Fuck that!! They are possible. I’m a dreamer and a believer. The world was founded on dreaming and believing. I’m going to continuing doing so because nothing exists without being dreamed up and believed in first. Dream of being all that you want to be and believe in yourself and in your dream. You can’t go wrong.

September 14, 2012 Exhibit A: Mated at the Soul

Question: How much are you willing to give up for the pursuit of your soul mate? Your job? Your lifestyle? How much is true happiness worth? I mean saying that your soul mate brings you happiness Or at least contributes to it. You might be miserable. Who knows that maybe what you’re used to? And who am I to say what love is to you. But Before I start this, (Which has already started), I want to ask you, what do you believe in? Do you believe in past lives? What do you believe happens when we die? I have to admit I actually believe in past lives. I believe that not only have we been here before, but we will be here again, and again. I believe in soul mates and that would be the reason for love at first sight. We’ve met each other before rather we are soul mates and spent a life time madly in love and we just remember that eternal love or we have been trying and trying to make it work, life time after life time. It makes sense to me. Rather you believe it or not I think the discussion is a valid question. I know I’m not the only person who has been mesmerized by another person who seems to know all the right things to say, who seems to do all the wrong things that seem to be all the right things. Love is a tricky subject and soul mates are an even tricker subject. I believe in soul mates, not just love soul mates but friends and family soul mates. I believe we belong to a soul group. And in our life times we” run these streets” with them. Personally my best friend, I can’t explain why we are BEST friends but we just work well together. I’ve had people come and go, but there are some people who will always be around no matter if I talk to them every day or once a month or even once a year. I know that the Internet has provided a way for us to connect to each other’s life in a way we haven’t been able to before in the past. But then again who are we to say that’s the truth. As we’re finding out every day, or at least I am, history has been wrong about so much. It seems like they are correcting themselves every day about a subject that they used to be experts about. But that’s another post. This one is about soul mates. I’d like to think and believe that we all have soul mates and a plan for our lives in which we have the opportunity to at least meet our soul mates. Regardless of if we’re supposed to be together in this life time or not. Eternity is a long to time. It’s ever, not forever. All I’m asking you to think about is what are you willing to sacrifice for a chance at your one and only true love soul mate? Truth: I’d do a lot. Maybe you can consider me a sucker for love but I’ve never regret just giving it a try. I’d rather she said “I’m just not feeling you” than me saying “well I never tried”. And that goes for all aspects of my life. I can’t respect wanting change but never striving to change. All I want to know is do you believe in Soul mates?  And to tell you the truth I feel sorry if you’ve never felt love on the level of saying someone is your soulmate.

September 4th 2012- If i Found 1000 Pounds

Greeting all.

This is a post just to show my appreciation for the loyalty and tremendous support I've gotten for this blog. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for accepting me as I am. This blog started as a way for me to get some of the craziness out of my head. In the beginning it was a secret and some people told me I should share it with the world. I took their advice and I have reached 1000 views. I’m proud of myself for sticking with this. I went from about 2 – 11 views a month to last month 130 on an off month. Since May my view count has been increasing every month. Thank you to my readers in America, Russia, Germany, India and the UK. Series III will start as planned in November. The biggest difference is that I will be adding a picture to every post as I do a little photography.  There will definitely be longer post for your enjoyment. And if you have suggestions I would love to hear them. I realized that I have never given out my contact information so that is something I will include as well. I want to thank you all again for reading, it really means a lot to me. If I never get to meet you , shake your hand, or laugh with you I still want you to know that even though I don’t know you… I love you and I wish you the very best.

If you would like to make suggestion or simply just say hello here is my contact information

Shaun Lamar

DForDramatic@gmail.com

Making Love Underneath the Cherry Leaves

-Atlanta high noon-

When I was 19 I started working at a factory in Montgomery Alabama. Before that I worked at a grocery store on an Air Force base. Before that, the majority of my interaction with people where that of people in my age group, we mostly talked about college, who broke up, who hooked up with who, and life plans, nothing too vulgar or inappropriate . Well I mean we didn't have the most mature conversations but most of it was innocent. When I began working at the factory that was the first time I was around older people all the time. I was the youngest, my friend was a year older and the next age was 28 or 29. Most of everybody else was from the age range of 30-40. Needless to say I got an eye opener on life and people in general. This was the first time I was around people from diverse back grounds who didn't have to censor themselves because of their surroundings.  I was around people who not only celebrated but expected adultery. I was odd because I still had this idea that people are good and relationships and marriages were something to be respected. I was shocked to find out that all the adults did was talk about sex. The things I was exposed to in that plant at that age. I said all that because out of all the post and subjects I've discussed on this blog, never have I once wrote a post about sex. It didn't hit me until recently when I was thinking about relationships and sex. I still have the same view of sex I did when I was younger.  I thought that it might change who I was being exposed to the vulgarity that people talked about sex. I must admit that I have been a willing participated in these dirty talks. I am a very good “Shit talker” and frankly can back my shit up. I was taught by the bests, or so they claim to have been. But if I believed them doesn't it make it just as so?

So this post is about sex. What do I think about it? To be honest I’m conflicted to the serious implications of sex. My morals tell me that you should have sex only after your married and with one person for the rest of your life. However my huMAN (Notice the capitalization of man) nature wants me to put my penis in everything I can see. Free Love, I could get with it. My lines about sex are so undefined that I myself choose to practice abstains. I won’t say that I’m waiting for marriage but I’m at least waiting until I’m in a steady relationship built on trust. There is one thing I am definite about when it comes to sex and that is if I don’t trust you I damn sure will not have sex with you. Sex does mean a lot. We all try and say “oh it doesn’t mean anything it’s just sex”, but I can say for myself sex is a big deal. And to tell you the truth, by the way we all talk about it, I know it means a lot to you to. Okay this is probably the part where I lose some of you and maybe some of you will get to judging me but this is something that I want to write and me telling you my opinion on this subject may be the only real reason I decided to make this post about sex. When it comes to sex it’s deeper than mashing our sex organs together. I’m not a virgin by far. I’ve had sex a quite a few times. Not particularly with a lot of women but constantly when I was having sex. Sex to me is mental. I like to have great sex. That sex when you feel connected before even connecting (did you see what I did there?). That sex when you feel as if you’re the only two people left on the planet. Have any of you ever had that kind of sex? And some might just call it making love but whatever you call it, the connection is deeper than your sex organs being satisfied.  It’s almost as if we are uploading and downloading information with that physical connects. I can remember most of my sexually experiences because my mind is always in it. I can’t seem to ever turn that off. I’m always wanting to please more and more. I’ve been disappointed before and I’ve had regular sex where we are like robots doing the motions that bring us to scarifications or lack thereof. Yawn, that sex is boring and not worth it to me. I want our souls to connect. I want it to feel like our souls have been missing one another’s soul every time we connect. Have I lost you yet? Do you think my bar is too high? Do you think its lame? Do you think it’s beautiful? Regardless this is something I desire to have in my life again. Yes I like to fuck until my limbs feel as if they are no longer a part of me, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about something deeper. Okay that’s basically what I have to say about sex for now. I will be making more post about sex in the future as I feel that this is the start of a beautiful beginning of a discussion on sex and all sex related subject matters i.e. porn, prostitutes, male whores, and maybe rape. I have a lot to say so continue coming back and reading.