Imperfections of a perfectionist

Sometimes I’m an egomaniac. Sometimes I obsess about choices I make and how my future is going to be. I feel as if I don’t have time to make the wrong decisions any more. I’m closer to 30 than 20. Even though I know my life won’t end soon (How do I know you may ask… I just do. I’ll die when I’m done with what I’m supposed to do here) I still want to have a great life. I’ve made bad decisions before and I’ve paid for them, hell I’m still paying for some of them.  You know what? guidance is something. You can really make a muck of life without any guidance. Most people meet me and think I have it all figured out, they love my concepts about life and the things I’ve done and achieved. But to me I could be better. I could have done better.  I did everything I wanted my way, so I have no one to blame for the short comings that I’ve made up in my head. I just want everything in my life to be perfect. I want to have the best life. I want to make the best decisions. I want to have the best people around me. A life filled with abundance and happiness. Even though I strive for happiness I still don’t even know what it really is. Money is not a motive to me. I’ve had very nice cars, nice places in nice neighborhoods, lots of money to spend, I’ve even come back for having absolutely nothing. I can’t honestly think back to a time where I was really happy, at least the kind of happiness I’m chasing. It feels like looking for a needle in a haystack when you’ve never seen a needle. I’m still optimistic and believe that the happiness I’m looking for is out there but in the mean time I need to be appreciative of what I have today. I never want to take for grant the things I already have in my life. I have income, a cast of awesome supportive friends, a place to live, I still have my mind, and I have a future. All those things are something to be grateful for. I just need to chill out and calm down and realize everything is going to be just fine. Just like it is right now and just like it has always has been. I told one of my best friends that “it’s like I can’t make the wrong decision”, It always ends up being the right decision. The perfect decision.