October 31, 2012 Exhibit C: The Absence of Fear

October is one of my favorite’s months, I mean; I know a bunch of people’s birthday, when I lived in Montgomery that’s when the Alabama  State Fair would come, Football Season, A bunch of festivals, Fall seasons, the leaves change, and of course Halloween. I love Halloween, maybe it’s because we get to dress up in costume. I would wear costumes year around and for every holiday if I could. It’s odd how much I love Halloween and I hate to be scared. I don’t enjoy scary movies or being frighten in general. I can hardly watch a scary movie at night let alone by myself. I’m not so much scared of Jason and Freddy, because in my mind they are just men and I’m not scared of man. It’s the evil things that scare me the most, you know like a haunted house that makes you kill everybody in your family because it was built on top of an Indian burial ground or how about a pet cemetery? All that unexplainable stuff scares me. When it comes to frightening things like that I’m terrified but insanely I wouldn’t be scared of someone putting a gun in my face, you know real danger.

With Halloween being a bit of a celebration of fear, what are some of your fears? I have a couple, yeah I don’t like scary movies but that’s not my fear. I’m not afraid of scary movies I just don’t enjoy them as much as the next. I guess when it comes to fear here are some of mine; I have a fear of heights, I’m not sure exactly where that comes from but I know it to be a reality. I love to be in high places just not so close to the widow. When I went through basic training that when I ultimately realized that I was terrified of heights. I still want to fly a plane one day and maybe even jump out of one but I’ll have to crawl before I walk. For a long time I thought I may have a fear of commitment and to be honest I’m not totally true if that is not a fact as of yet. I haven’t been in a relationship in years and for about the last couple of years my cell phone and rent has roughly been based on a month to month plan. I don’t like to feel trapped, so maybe I do have a fear of commitment in some sense of it; it could explain a bunch of aspects of my life. I imagine somewhere inside of me I’m afraid to be loved, and/or left alone. Gosh it’s all coming out now, right? Maybe a fear of success or a fear of moving in a positive direction, all of these could possibility be my reality. I don’t spend countless nights thinking about all of these fears but I don’t tend to analyze things and my life is definitely something that is the main focus of my thoughts. I know my talents and what I can do with them, the hardest part for me is getting things started. Once it’s started things tend to move very fast though. I’m very efficient in getting the job done. Not to toot my own horn but I do great work. Almost everything I do is great or at a minimum, to the best of ability.

In 2008 I went to live with my brother in Warren Robins, Georgia for about 6 months. During that time I got really close with my nephew, he was about 2 years old, he is so smart I admired him so much. One of the qualities that I admired the most was his lack of fear. I remember watching him run out of the house and into the street (we lived in a dead end circle but still) all I was thinking was “Dude that’s the street, you can’t run into the street like that”. He would do a bunch of things like that and I would be freaking out for his safely but he would be giving me this look like “What? It’s just the street”. Gosh I loved that little boy, ahhh how I miss him soo. When I moved away from Georgia and back to Alabama I just hoped that no one would scare the fear in him like it had been done to me. I remember being fearless. Before the world became a dangerous place. I think knowledge doesn’t have to have fear involved in it. I would get in trouble at school and then I would get a whoppen at home. The idea was to instill a sense of fear in me and make me do the right thing for fear of getting another whoopen. It didn’t make me a good child or any less curious (most of the time I would get in trouble for being curious) it made me become sneaky, and not trust my parents, when  I was getting disciplined I didn’t really understand why I was being punished. I got to a point where I didn’t care about getting a whoopen any more, I would get spanked and go and do the exact same thing knowing that I was going to get beat. I don’t think I was a bad kid, I don’t even think I was very different from anybody else I just being me and being a kid trying to find out about the world. If I had the choice I think I would of done better if someone would simply just explain to me why I wasn’t supposed to do certain things instead of saying your too young or just because I said so. At the end of the day I was and am a human being. Kids are human beings. Because of fear we are discouraged from being who we need to be, all the potential you have when you don’t fear anything. Fear is crippling, it stops us in our tracks, it breeds lying and stealing, it breeds greed and violence, fear breeds more fear. I couldn’t of been scared to move from Montgomery to Atlanta and then to New Orleans. Yeah in my mind I was scared of not know what was going to happen or even how it was going to happen  but something in me was telling me do it. I trust myself and my life has not shown me anything different from the statement that everything will be just fine. So I was let’s just stop being so fearful to live life and reaching that next point in our life. Let’s not be fearful to chase our dreams and achieve them. We’ve lived fearful for most our lives, let’s see how life feels on the other side.

October 13 2012: The Three Families

What does a person who has been disconnected from his family in every aspect of his life have to say to anybody about family values? Let me break down my life a little bit for you. I was born with in 1985, from there we have neglect and abuse to the point where a 2 year old is found with a broken leg. Needless to say after an investigation, my twin sister and I were taken into protective services. If my memory serves me correctly we had 3 foster families. While with one foster family we were subject to some of the harshest treatments of children I have ever heard. We got taken away from that family after someone notice bruises on me from being beaten every 5 minutes to a timer. I am not exaggerating even in the slightest. Not to mention what my sister with through. At this time she was the only constant thing in my life. I felt I had to be strong for her and that continued as this story does. 1990 we were finally adopted, upon adoption you would expect and think that it was all good but now enters mental abuse. Not until we got to be teenagers did it really start, the paranoia that we as a family (Not just my twin and me) had to endure is ridiculous. To have to cater to an adult’s emotional needy ass is outrageous as a child. What is going on with my body?  How am I going to pass my class? What are we going to do this weekend? I wonder if she likes me. Oh and damn is my dad looking through the classroom window? I truly know what it means to be stalked, to have your phone bugged, to have people ask you is that your dad over there behind that tree? I wish this was a joke but it’s all true. The only way we were considered a family was that we all had a common goal of not being a target to my father’s distrust and we were very trust worthy people.  Nobody had anybody’s back in our family. People at school didn't know I had an older brother that went to the same school. People would always be surprised to find out. I guess my loyalty comes from me being with my sister so much even when I didn’t think she would ever take the fall for me. I've gotten plenty of beating for my sister but that’s my twin, my heart. Upon completion of high school I was blamed for all of my sister’s behavior even though I wasn't getting in trouble yet. I was told that the only reason I got adopted was because my sister had a twin and they didn’t want to split us up. I was told this several several times despite awesomeness oozing out of my pours. It didn’t stop when I moved out to go to college with no help from anybody. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know how to cook, wash dishes or clothes. These are facts that people know about me. I’m marvelous at cooking now; I’ve come a long way from the fire of 04” (maybe I’ll tell you about it one day). Dishes and clothes… meh… I’ve figured some middle ground in achieving medium cleanliness. Whites just aren’t that white these days. Anywho I got a chance to speak to my real parents and the lies that came out of their mouths were incredible. I don’t mind you lying (really do mind) when I ask you something, but don’t invite me to your lies. If I don’t ask you about something than don’t tell me especially if it’s the elephant in the room. Let it go, I don’t want to know about whatever happen 20 some odd years ago. I’m okay I’ve made it through that fire, trying not to get burnt but the fire in front of me. Needless to say my dreams have been stepped on over and over by my family members I don’t really want to go into details at this time but just trust that I have had a horrible example of the type of family I will have one day. One filled with love and support for who you are as a person. I will be my children’s and my wife’s biggest supporter. I will invest in my family because I know that it matters. The time you spend with your family matters. Every second matters. I never wanted to work a job so much that I neglect my family. I’d take family over money any day. Life is not about hording the most money. Life is about feeling love and expressing love, tending to wounds with companions and understanding. Not being judgmental and promoting individualism. I want my kids to know that it is okay to be who they are. As long as I’m around I’ll protect my family like a man is supposed to, I’ll tell my wife and kids I love them as many times as I think of it. My kids will be raised with hugs and kisses and if they want to be a painter they can be a painter, if they want to be the first person on Mars, we’re going to figure out how to make it happen. I don’t understand how people lose sight of what is important. You can’t replace that feeling you get when someone looks into your eyes and tell you they love you or even without them saying anything, just that look and you know what it is. We have a big responsibility to promote a new way of living that brings us back to the family. You can’t depend on money it comes and it goes. I’m not knocking people with money but if you’re not about that family, if you don’t have anybody to share it with than what’s the point? Really what is the point? That’s what I wanted to say about family, I know what it is and what it means

With all that being said about family and all the experiences I went through with them I have to give a huge huge huge thank you to my friends who have supported me in whatever craziness I’ve been involved in. I honestly could not have made it very far if I didn’t have the support of people who looked inside me and saw that my every intention was an attempt to be good. I thank them for see my light and wanting it to shine. I love them and they are my true family. I don’t know if my family reads this blog but I know my friends do and truly love ya’ll to death <3

Oh Yeah one of my friends birthday is today... Happy Birthday Kartis :)

October 1, 2012 Exhibit B: Intuitively Dedicated

What does it mean to be dedicated? To commit to a person or an idea, what does that mean? some people are so committed to their belief system that they will strap on a bomb and blow you up so that they can achieve whatever it is they achieve in that religion. How much do you believe? What are you willing to do? In my life I’ve been dedicated to ideas, people, projects, love, the future, a bunch of things. To be dedicated to something or someone, I think, takes a lot of passion and faith. Most of the time we are dedicated blindly without knowing what the real outcome will be.  I believe in myself. One of the only things that I can be certain of is that I am real or at least that I exist in some form or fashion. My thoughts are real to me. My feelings are real to me. I’m not sure if they are 100% to be trusted but since I’ve at least acknowledged them and embraced them, I think I’ve been better off. I’ve been criticized greatly about the decision I’ve made. Some people I’m close to think I make dumb decisions. They can agree that I’m smart and they can agree that I will do great things on day, but I think that is as far their faith goes in my ability to make a positive decision in the direction of a successful life.  Part of being dedicated is to have an idea of results in the actions your taking. I’ve heard a time or two that “making it is never what you expected”. But that’s what I really want to know, are you dedicated enough to accept the results no matter if they are what you expected or not? The thing about following your heart or your intuition is that things sometimes look ugly, sometimes things get really bad. But how dedicated are you? Or how much do you believe in whatever it is to stick with it, to fight through the end? Because I have been scrutinized for every move I’ve ever made and to tell you the truth for me it looks bad, not horrible just bad. But I feel like I’m just being shown something. There’s a bridge being built in my life to get the next level, whatever it may be I’m dedicated to seeing this thing out. I’m learning patients, I’m learning self-respect, I’m forming new goals, and old limitations are disappearing. I’m not going to act like every day is easy. Because following what you believe in is sometimes scary. It’s following the road less traveled. It’s not how I was raised but it’s something that I believe is the best thing and I’m going follow this thing out and see where it gets me.

The thing about stating all of this is that people will read this, and I’m talking more about the people who know me, and say I’m dumb for blindly doing what I believe in and I should just do this and do that and then they look at their life and wish and pray for something to be different. I think you’re in a sad state if you dream and don’t have a will to follow it. Or you’re too scared to put yourself out there. The worst thing that can happen is that you will fail and find out that’s not a way to do it or prove everybody right. But what if you succeed? What if you get everything you dream of? It’s the difference in settling for something you know you hate (or eventually will hate) to taking a chance to better your situation. You may not know where you’re walking to but you know what you’re walking away from. You should never discourage anyone who is willing to change their life by taking a leap of faith or taking a great chance. Don’t you know that is how every great story is made? When we were kids we had this vision of life. We had dreams and at the time they were realistic to us. I mean I was probably never going to marry Halle Berry but you get what I’m saying. Down the line between people telling us we couldn’t do it and having to do whatever we had to do, we lost sight of those dreams and didn’t believe they were possible. Fuck that!! They are possible. I’m a dreamer and a believer. The world was founded on dreaming and believing. I’m going to continuing doing so because nothing exists without being dreamed up and believed in first. Dream of being all that you want to be and believe in yourself and in your dream. You can’t go wrong.