October is one of my favorite’s months, I mean; I know a
bunch of people’s birthday, when I lived in Montgomery that’s when the
Alabama State Fair would come, Football
Season, A bunch of festivals, Fall seasons, the leaves change, and of course
Halloween. I love Halloween, maybe it’s because we get to dress up in costume.
I would wear costumes year around and for every holiday if I could. It’s odd
how much I love Halloween and I hate to be scared. I don’t enjoy scary movies
or being frighten in general. I can hardly watch a scary movie at night let
alone by myself. I’m not so much scared of Jason and Freddy, because in my mind
they are just men and I’m not scared of man. It’s the evil things that scare me
the most, you know like a haunted house that makes you kill everybody in your
family because it was built on top of an Indian burial ground or how about a
pet cemetery? All that unexplainable stuff scares me. When it comes to
frightening things like that I’m terrified but insanely I wouldn’t be scared of
someone putting a gun in my face, you know real danger.
With Halloween being a bit of a celebration of fear, what
are some of your fears? I have a couple, yeah I don’t like scary movies but
that’s not my fear. I’m not afraid of scary movies I just don’t enjoy them as
much as the next. I guess when it comes to fear here are some of mine; I have a
fear of heights, I’m not sure exactly where that comes from but I know it to be
a reality. I love to be in high places just not so close to the widow. When I
went through basic training that when I ultimately realized that I was
terrified of heights. I still want to fly a plane one day and maybe even jump
out of one but I’ll have to crawl before I walk. For a long time I thought I
may have a fear of commitment and to be honest I’m not totally true if that is
not a fact as of yet. I haven’t been in a relationship in years and for about
the last couple of years my cell phone and rent has roughly been based on a
month to month plan. I don’t like to feel trapped, so maybe I do have a fear of
commitment in some sense of it; it could explain a bunch of aspects of my life.
I imagine somewhere inside of me I’m afraid to be loved, and/or left alone.
Gosh it’s all coming out now, right? Maybe a fear of success or a fear of
moving in a positive direction, all of these could possibility be my reality. I
don’t spend countless nights thinking about all of these fears but I don’t tend
to analyze things and my life is definitely something that is the main focus of
my thoughts. I know my talents and what I can do with them, the hardest part
for me is getting things started. Once it’s started things tend to move very
fast though. I’m very efficient in getting the job done. Not to toot my own
horn but I do great work. Almost everything I do is great or at a minimum, to
the best of ability.
In 2008 I went to live with my brother in Warren Robins,
Georgia for about 6 months. During that time I got really close with my nephew,
he was about 2 years old, he is so smart I admired him so much. One of the
qualities that I admired the most was his lack of fear. I remember watching him
run out of the house and into the street (we lived in a dead end circle but
still) all I was thinking was “Dude that’s the street, you can’t run into the
street like that”. He would do a bunch of things like that and I would be
freaking out for his safely but he would be giving me this look like “What?
It’s just the street”. Gosh I loved that little boy, ahhh how I miss him soo. When
I moved away from Georgia and back to Alabama I just hoped that no one would
scare the fear in him like it had been done to me. I remember being fearless. Before
the world became a dangerous place. I think knowledge doesn’t have to have fear
involved in it. I would get in trouble at school and then I would get a whoppen
at home. The idea was to instill a sense of fear in me and make me do the right
thing for fear of getting another whoopen. It didn’t make me a good child or
any less curious (most of the time I would get in trouble for being curious) it
made me become sneaky, and not trust my parents, when I was getting disciplined I didn’t really
understand why I was being punished. I got to a point where I didn’t care about
getting a whoopen any more, I would get spanked and go and do the exact same thing
knowing that I was going to get beat. I don’t think I was a bad kid, I don’t
even think I was very different from anybody else I just being me and being a
kid trying to find out about the world. If I had the choice I think I would of
done better if someone would simply just explain to me why I wasn’t supposed to
do certain things instead of saying your too young or just because I said so. At
the end of the day I was and am a human being. Kids are human beings. Because of
fear we are discouraged from being who we need to be, all the potential you
have when you don’t fear anything. Fear is crippling, it stops us in our
tracks, it breeds lying and stealing, it breeds greed and violence, fear breeds
more fear. I couldn’t of been scared to move from Montgomery to Atlanta and
then to New Orleans. Yeah in my mind I was scared of not know what was going to
happen or even how it was going to happen but something in me was telling me do it. I
trust myself and my life has not shown me anything different from the statement
that everything will be just fine. So I was let’s just stop being so fearful to
live life and reaching that next point in our life. Let’s not be fearful to
chase our dreams and achieve them. We’ve lived fearful for most our lives, let’s
see how life feels on the other side.
No comments:
Post a Comment