Imperfections of a perfectionist

Sometimes I’m an egomaniac. Sometimes I obsess about choices I make and how my future is going to be. I feel as if I don’t have time to make the wrong decisions any more. I’m closer to 30 than 20. Even though I know my life won’t end soon (How do I know you may ask… I just do. I’ll die when I’m done with what I’m supposed to do here) I still want to have a great life. I’ve made bad decisions before and I’ve paid for them, hell I’m still paying for some of them.  You know what? guidance is something. You can really make a muck of life without any guidance. Most people meet me and think I have it all figured out, they love my concepts about life and the things I’ve done and achieved. But to me I could be better. I could have done better.  I did everything I wanted my way, so I have no one to blame for the short comings that I’ve made up in my head. I just want everything in my life to be perfect. I want to have the best life. I want to make the best decisions. I want to have the best people around me. A life filled with abundance and happiness. Even though I strive for happiness I still don’t even know what it really is. Money is not a motive to me. I’ve had very nice cars, nice places in nice neighborhoods, lots of money to spend, I’ve even come back for having absolutely nothing. I can’t honestly think back to a time where I was really happy, at least the kind of happiness I’m chasing. It feels like looking for a needle in a haystack when you’ve never seen a needle. I’m still optimistic and believe that the happiness I’m looking for is out there but in the mean time I need to be appreciative of what I have today. I never want to take for grant the things I already have in my life. I have income, a cast of awesome supportive friends, a place to live, I still have my mind, and I have a future. All those things are something to be grateful for. I just need to chill out and calm down and realize everything is going to be just fine. Just like it is right now and just like it has always has been. I told one of my best friends that “it’s like I can’t make the wrong decision”, It always ends up being the right decision. The perfect decision.

July 31 2012 iKinect

This is not the start of series III, this is just me blogging my thoughts about what’s on my mind.

So what’s on my mind? Energy, Love, Success, Struggles, Destinies, Faith, Life, I mean these are things that are always on my mind. There’s a force that is pushing and pulling me in directions that I’ve never been before. I have to face obstacles that, for the first time, I don’t know if I can make it through. Of course I have faith that everything will be alright (and it always is). But I’ve reached a point that I can’t see where I’m going. For the first time I’m truly by myself. If I stand or fall it is totally and absolutely in my hands. I and I alone will have to deal with the consequences. I have no shoulder to cry on. There’s no “somebody” to console me when I’ve gone into battle and come back with wounds. It’s tough not having that safety net but I know this is something that I need. When I was younger I would wonder what in my future would be so hard for me to get over that I needed to be so strong for. I still wonder that some times. My first instinct is to run away. My mind tells me it’s too hard. But I have to remind myself that it’s all in a plan. The puzzles pieces are lying right in front of me and sometimes the pieces are easy to connect. But other times (like right now) it seems my vision is blurry. Sometimes it gets hard to focus, it gets hard to stay motivated when you look around and realize you’re alone and no one else is doing what you’re doing. No one else is moving how you’re moving; no one else believes or sees your vision how you see and believe it. How can anyone motivate me when they can’t see the direction you’re going. To be truthful, half the time I don’t know which direction I’m going. I don’t have a road map to the unknown. I’m literally living day by day, every day. It’s not so easy relying on faith all the time. But this is what I choose to do and in the end I’ll happy with the results. It takes pressure to make a diamonds and I’ve come too far to turn around. The point of no return.

On another note (which was actually almost the name of this blog, but I decided not to go with it):

This connection that I have with you has torn me from a comfortable, stagnate state and has brought me to a point, to a place that has forced me to live the life I need to live. To live the life I dreamed to live. I haven’t reached my potential yet but day by day I’m moving closer and closer. Everyday I’m seeing more and more. I’m getting confirmation for the heavens that I am in the right place at the right time. I talk about destiny and this is what I mean, this connection. I still don’t know what it means, I still can’t explain it. But I know and have been reassured over and over again that it is what I think it is. I’m not destine for mediocrity and neither are you.  You are that force pulling me...

S2: Last Dance, Last Chance

This post is just going to be a randomness of categories that will pretty much be the basis of Series III. This is the last post of series II. I couldn’t decide how I wanted to end it because I still have a lot to blog about and I’ve had to focus my energy on what I am currently doing. So here’s the last dance at the end of the night. The last chance for love, so grab a partner and get on the dance floor.

Every bit of advice I ever gave was either something I’ve been through or simply the advice I would want to hear if I was in that situation. As I always say, I don’t know everything, I don’t even always know the right thing to say, but I believe I give pretty good sound advice. I always feel like people always know what they are going to do anyway. Sometimes advice is just confirmation to know that it’s okay to make that choice. I usually know what I want to do, but sometimes advice seals the deal.

In the recent weeks I have decided to denounce violence. On all accounts, I can no longer stand around and support it. There is a difference in entertainment and glorifying. In a Movie you have actors who play parts. The audience is very aware that what is happening on screen is a story put together by a director. In music, Rap in particular, we attribute lyrics to things the artist are doing in their real lives. Our favorite artist would normally be the artist who shadows the way our life is, or at least our experiences. In the past year, 2 rappers have been murdered and in the past 3 months at least 3 more rappers have been shot. Some of these rappers talk about violence and some don’t. The point is, what is advocating or glorifying violence getting us? People I know are dying, getting killed and it’s horrible to me. Most of us were beating in to submission when we were kids. We were raised to fear our parents. I can be the first to admit I used to get harsh punishments. Some to the point that the police got involved on at least two separate occasions. Might be a shock to those who grow up with me but it’s all true and documented. When I would get a whoopen it didn’t make me act “good”, it didn’t even make me fear my parents, it made me hate them. If you think back when you were young you may have felt the same way. We beat our kids into sharing and not hitting other kids but how are we really teaching them to handle situations? We were all upset about Trayvon Martin and the way he was murdered, and go right along and blast that new mixtape that our favorite rapper just put out talking about killing and fighting and other violent stuff they don’t do. We unconsciously support police brutally and killing of innocent people in Iraq or wherever. It has to stop. True enough we are not going out there doing these things, but support is agreeing with what is happening or what you believe in. The world is the way it is because we all allow it to be that way. Bankers steal money because we allow them to. We’ve been brain washed to think we need certain things in our life. We’ve been given one avenue and we believe it to be the only way. That’s wrong, and in the future I’m going to do everything I can to turn this world around for the better. That means supporting more love denouncing violent practices, sharing my knowledge and gaining more. You don’t have to believe what I believe or even have to agree with me but that is the stance I’ve decided to take on violence in our community and world. I think this is important and you can bet I will be writing more about this in Series III.

For the longest time I have been reading self-help books. I’ve literally been studying life and how to live. I’ve gained so much from all the things I’ve read but I’ve always noticed a disconnect when it came to actually applying these processes or plans in my life. I could probably say that it is a problem of motivation or lack thereof, but sometimes I’ve been really motivation but never get the result I wanted. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been better than not and I do always get positive results, but I’ve never experienced that supreme final ending that all self-help books or books on life talk about. I recently heard something that made a light bulb go off in my head. Sacrifice, what have I sacrificed to achieve these goals? I maybe only speaking for myself here but I always want what I want but I don’t want to change anything. I don’t really want to get out of my comfort zone. If I could do the same things and achieve the maximum greatness, that would be supreme. But that’s wrong, doing the same thing and expecting different results in crazy not by my account, it’s a quote by someone. All I know is people always say that people change when they get rich and the fact is people have to change to get rich. You have to change your habits; you have to humble yourself enough to acknowledge that the way you’ve been doing things isn’t working to achieve what you want. Sacrifice, act like you want to be successful. Here’s another quote “Fake it till you make it” it’s the same thing. A change has to be been.

In “A Voice from the People” blog I’ve always talked about the things going on around me. So you can bet series III will be the exact same. I’ve decided on a few changes, more personal goals for me, but the majority of this blog will stay the same. More about Love, more about relationships, more about the universe, more about living, more about bullying, more about current events, more about music, more about belief systems, more goodness altogether. Hopefully I can get an editor and you all won’t have to deal with my horrible grammar, punctuations and spelling. As far as when the Series III will start, I don’t know yet. I’ll estimate between the end of September to the end of October (My favorite month besides my birth month). So by November Series III should be on and popping. I can’t wait because these are exciting times for me. I’ve moved, I have a new job and to tell you the truth I feel like I’m climbing to the top of the world. All I need is a queen, a leading lady to share all this with. In due time though.

S2: Three Reasons; Location Location Location

Does one location make you feel more superior to the next? Do you believe in energy? How about the transfer of energy? I heard one time that we live in a sea of energy like a fish lives in water. It was an explanation of how the law of attraction works. I believe in energy and the transfer of it. I see money as a way of transferring energy as well as other ways. I can say for myself different locations I’ve been in have had a profound effect on me. Since I’ve been grown I’ve lived in a few places. Montgomery, Atlanta, Warner Robins. Each place has had an effect on my well-being and my understanding about life  and my pursuit of happiness. Even in a short time frame I have noticed a change in my behavior and attitude, even in the way I feel about myself has changed in different locations. I’ve had a short stint in Birmingham, the Virginia area, the New Jersey area, and the Mobile area. Each had a much different effect  from the last. My relationship with people has changed with the location. Me and “so & so” don’t get along at all in the New Jersey Area but in the Montgomery we’re pretty cool. I wouldn’t think it would make a difference. But it’s been true for me. Different locations have different energies. Depending on your own energy a location can be positive or negative. Before I put my finger on this concept a friend of mine introduced me to this website that you can punch in your information and it will pull up your birth chart. People who study astrology will know what I mean about Birth Chart. Once you get your Star chart/Birth Chart up (Which is as unique as your thumb print) you can go to different parts of the site such as; vocation, compatibility in different relationships, and other stuff. Most of that stuff you can pay for a full report, it only gives you a sample of the report for free. I’m sure it’s worth it and you may really get a good insight on yourself and your life and maybe even the direction you want to take. The one that I got the most out of was the Travel section. It advertises by saying “Choose the perfect vacation spot”.  As you all should know by now, I love to travel. So why wouldn’t I play around with it. I clicked on a couple of spots to see what they would say. I got some positive and negative responses. The places I’ve been were relatively accurate. It gave me hope for the places that I haven’t been. According to this site, good places for me are New York, San Francisco, New Orleans, L.A. Hawaii, and some places in Africa. Some bad places were New Jersey, Houston, Oklahoma Montgomery, Vegas, and Philadelphia. On the fence are Miami, Atlanta, Virginia, London, and Sydney, which just means they can sway in either direction. The name of the website is www.astro.com, you should all check it out. I use it from time to time when I’m bored or want to find out how a place will be like for me. I believe for the most part it’s pretty acute. I didn’t realize it until I started talking to people and they pointed out that I had said it was going to be like that when I go there. I’m still a “see it to believe it” kind of person. I said all this to say I’m moving (or will have moved by the time this is read) to New Orleans. It’s been about 9 months I’ve been thinking about it. And about 4 or 5 months I’ve actually been planning. I have a job, a place to stay. I think it’s safe to say I live there. So series 3 will start and I will be in New Orleans, a whole new mentality, with more dive and ambition. This should be a great move.

S2: Companionshit

I don't really know how to start this but I know what I want to say so I'm going to be like Lindsay Lohan in "Mean Girls" and word vomit all over this post. I know that was gross but here it goes. What's wrong with "it’s just not going to work out"? Why is it so hard to commit to “well we tried and it didn't work"? I'm not just talking about love relationship or interaction; I’m talking about friendships and partnerships as well. You may not be like me, but I'm willing to bet, most of you are. After that bond is cut to the point of "we're not talking anymore" why is it so hard to just leave it be cut. I think as I've gotten older it has gotten harder. As much as I know we're not going to make it, I always want to text, call, tweet, send a Facebook message, whatever. It is 100% every time a bad idea. You don't get any higher than that.

Okay so while I was writing I actually formed some kind of answer to my own question. Sometimes it happens like that. My brain said that in every interaction, person or thing, we attract in our lives. Not just on my part but both parts. I attract you or it, and it or you attract me. Which means there’s a need, at some point, for that person or thing. So when we initially "try things out" and things don't work out, it’s not necessarily the person we don't like but maybe we have “out needed” or “out grown” that attraction. Okay look I don't have all the answers so I don't know if this is the answer but that is what my brain told me. I'm rolling with it. You can choose to get whatever you want out of it. Thank you for enduring my unconstructed thoughts.

S2: How To Love

The words are just going to come out; I'm just going to write them as they come. Seems like the template these days. I woke up this morning with one thing on my mind after reading a message in my inbox on Facebook. "I don't have time to teach anybody how to love or how to live for that matter." Like one of my best friends says "I ain't got the time". I can't tell you how many people call me, text me, message me about advice about love, life, and other stuff. I don't mind it, really I don't. But what eerks me is that you contact me by whatever means and ask for my advice and I give it to you, and then the next time I communicate with you, you’re the same shit. I don't care if you take my advice; I'm not God contrary to what people think and what I've said in the past (that's a joke). I don't have all the answers. But don't be on the same shit when you contact me again telling me about the same situation and you didn't take my advice or someone else’s advice. You obvious like being in that situation and it goes from you asking me about the situation to you complaining about the situation. I’m not fond of complainers who won’t make an effort to change their circumstances. I’m always on the side of happiness by any means of getting there. The people who have taken my advice are doing fine, others whatever. It doesn't even have to be if they trust me or not, clearly they don't trust themselves and that my friends had nothing to do with me.

Canon T3 12.2MP Digital SLR Camera with 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 IS II Lens -

This also goes for people who are interested in me and are expecting me to make a move on them when from my understanding we were just friends. Understanding is a mother fucker and so is perception. All I’m saying is don’t be mad at me when I do something that’s messed up because I didn’t know you were interested in me. I’m a pretty good guesser and I can usually put two and two together but I don’t know everything and sometimes I don’t see the signs. Closed mouths don’t get fed. That’s the end of that. How can I be accountable for how you feel about me and I don’t know. Some of ya’ll are crazy to think otherwise. Don’t be mad at me. I do the most already. I’m only human… I needed to get that out and now I'm done.

S2: F Your Love Story III of III

The movies we glorified as kids in the 90's pertaining to love story were... Um... Well... Classics?  Black love in the 90's, the love and movies that ushered in Tyler Perry movies, The example of how we were supposed to court each other, and how we were supposed to carry on a relationship? Blah, I watched some of those movies again. When the movie goes off nothings really solved no real happily ever after ending. Just happy at that point ending. If you watch and say to yourself what would happen in real life you'd come to the conclusion that maybe I have. That they are going to be in the same situation again and again. In love Jones they never did resolve their issues. They just let time take them and hooked back up a year later. But the suspicion and worries and problems will arise again. You have to deal with problems. They don't just go away. You have to solve them. Okay okay. I'm done with the Hollywood love story. Maybe I’ll write my own called the real love, and it'll be about how real black love is. Not that ol' damaged perception of black love we have today. Love is love and those movies aren't real love.